Grief. The natural response to loss.. the suffering you feel when you have lost someone or something near and dear to you. Someone you loved. Something you had dreamed for.
I have had my fair share of grief. I've grieved a loving pet. I've grieved my Aunt and cousin who were killed in cold blood. I've grieved a cousin who took his own life. I've grieved my Nana who I have never met but wished I did. I've grieved my biological father who was never there. I've grieved the death of someone who was one of my closest friends. I've grieved ex friendships. I've grieved the feeling of not having grandparents. I grieve the fact that I'm not a mother and that my husband is not a father. And honestly I don't think I'll ever be done grieving any of it, and that's OKAY!. There is no time frame or limit in to how long someone should be grieving. Don't let anyone tell you to stop. Or tell you that you shouldn't be grieving a certain person, or certain dream. Everyone deals with it differently.
I want to talk about a time in my life where my grief hit me super hard. How It was a struggle and how I'm learning to let it not take over my life also.. Now this is just my story.
He was the boy I never knew I needed. He was funny, uplifting, could put a smile on anyone's face, loved to live life to the fullest but was a very hardworking guy when he needed to be. I've known him since I was in my Gr.7 year. He and his buddy and some others would ride there ATVs to our town and we would meet up and go to the pool and go for walks. I guess you could say we had a little summer fling, so young and never new at all what we were doing. He was my first "older boyfriend". lol. But of course your young and it was just a fling so it didn't last but our friendship did. Boy did we have fun throughout the years. From going to party's, to backyard bonfires, camping, having mud baths (with clothes on! And other friends present) ripping up the streets on your side by side and even accidentally rolling it!. (Sorry moms). Singing and dancing in the kitchen, him trying to teach me how to two-step and me not able to learn it properly and him laughing at me and getting frustrated because of how badly i sucked at it! 🤣 He was a softy. He always made sure everyone around him was having a good time, and if you were down and out he would take the time to come over, cheer you up and tell you to have another drink! lol. This boy has always and will always have a huge place in my heart. I knew from a young age we would always be connected in some way. And we were. I remember a conversation we had at the kitchen table. We were talking about marriage and if one day he would want to be married. He said absolutely. He wanted to get married and have children. He just needed the right girl. I wasn't shocked at his answer. I know he would have been such an amazing husband and father. In 2019, unfortunately I found out he passed away.. it was one of the worst phone calls, worst moment, of my life. I didn't want to believe it. My husband actually called me and said he heard about it as he was at work. I told him to fuck off and to not lie about something like that and I hung up on him. I seriously didn't believe it. Or atleast I didn't want too. I remember sitting in my sunroom and my friend and her boyfriend at the time come walking in with tears in there eyes and I knew it was the bad news my husband tried to tell me about. Oh how it still even hurts to think about. I don't think I have ever cried that amount of tears ever. It's such a painful heartache. I didn't know what to do, what to believe, how to feel, what to think, I just felt like the world literally stopped. I also felt terrible for how I spoke to my husband at the time because I know he was just trying to tell me and I was in so much shock/angry I just didn't want to believe anything that anyone said.
I didn't know what to think, I just thought it was literally a dream and that everyone's just lying about him being gone. I resorted to drinking alcohol more. To the point where I come to talk about my second part of how grief takes me on a wild journey...
Stay Tuned For Part 2. Coming soon.
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