Struggles With Infertility

Infertility. Well, I know this topic is one a lot of women can get behind. This topic specifically is one that hurts the most for me to talk about and to describe. It's a pain I've been dealing with now for almost 7 years. (Warning There Is Talk Of Miscarriages And Details, This Will Be Hard For Some People.)  Let's start from the beginning...

My husband and I have been trying to conceive now since I was 21. I know what your thinking... jeez girl that's young.. but is it?. When you have been with that person for so long, I feel like you just know when the time is right to start a family. I've always pictured us having atleast one or more children at our wedding when the day had come. Did we?. Unfortunately no. 
In August of 2021 my husband and I got married. That following November I got what I never thought I would have... a positive pregnancy test. We were over the moon excited thinking that okay, maybe it was just the stress of everything building up to this point. I had a death of a very dear friend I was grieving, covid hit and cancelled our wedding 2 times, and then of course planning our wedding for a 3rd time and making sure we were able to go on with it. My husband also lost his job due to the mine shutting down, so he was jobless for a year, and in the same year I lost my job do to staff shortages in the longterm care facility I worked. So needless to say there was a lot on our plates at the time. 
so here we were thinking wow, our luck has finally turned around and now here we are with a positive test, all excited and ready to have this baby. Right away I booked a doctor appointment. Had the parents over and told them the best news! We were finally pregnant!. I got a box that I had shoes in, and I put the test in there, had a baby onesie that said "new to the crew", teething rings, and cute little hat and boots that were chritmassy. And when they opened the box there was a written note to baby's "nana and papa". My little sister was there and I got her to video tape this moment and it was one I wished to have forever. 
unfortunately a week later at my doctors appointment the doctor told me I wasn't pregnant.. I told him I just took a test again yesterday and it was positive, he said he'd do blood work also so we did, but I left that appointment in tears, feeling absolutely gutted. I called my mom right away and told her and you could just tell how sad she was for me. The next few days go by then I get a call from my doctor. He said that I'm definitely not pregnant. So of course I knew it was coming, so I just said thank you and that was it.. or so I thought. The next day I got a call again from my doctor and he informed me that the blood work came back and it was showing that I was indeed pregnant, and he congratulated me. I then got off the phone called my mom, my husband and told them the good news!! 
The next day came around and I had cramping and started to bleed. I knew right then I lost the baby. 
I talked to my doctor and he said it was known as a chemical pregnancy. So I wasn't far enough along I guess... I've never felt this type of hurt and sadness before. But I knew okay, I know I can get pregnant now so we can keep trying. 

fast forward to December 15th, 2023... I had the weirdest feeling that I was pregnant, I was naseous, my boobs were so sore, so I took a test and it was positive!. 2 years after the last positive I had...

I called my husband right away, I called my close gf and my oldest sister as I just needed to tell someone! I booked again another doctor appointment and this one was so much better. They seen the two lines on there strip, sent me for blood work and my HCG levels came back and were rising!.  My husband and I were again, over the moon excited. Christmas time came around and we went to my parents, we had planned to tell the family while opening gifts, this point I was around 5/6 weeks pregnant and that's the furthest I've gone so I thought for sure this was it so we will tell them. But of course I was worrying because I was spotting more that night then I have and was getting a little worried. My husband told me to not stress out, don't think to much into it, it will all be okay. So as the night went on the bleeding actually stopped and I felt more at ease telling the family, so we did. I wrapped my test up in wrapping paper and through it at my dad and said that's for you and mom. Dad opened it and him and mom both looked like what are we looking at then it clued in to them that these are pregnancy test! Haha. Of course the hugs and the tears came out again, and it just felt really good. 
so Christmas was exciting and more fun this year for me as my husband and I finally got our wish. We would be pregnant at Christmas and get to have our baby for next years Christmas. 

Now, cut-to New Years Day. I woke up crampy, and was bleeding lightly on and off again and as the day went on I just felt like instantly something was off. I told my husband somethings not right and that I was bleeding again. I took another digital test just to double check and it still said pregnant. ( I didn't know that when you miscarried it will still say pregnant until your baby is fully out of you). So my husband again, just tried to reassure me all is fine, not to stress cause he could tell I was starting to get upset as I was very worried. 
January 2nd, 2024. I woke up. I wasn't bleeding. I thought okay, this must just be normal to be spotting this much in the first trimester. Scary, but ok it happens. 7:00pm came around and all the sudden my cramping got worse it was getting sharp, and I thought go pee and wipe and see if there is blood again.. well there was. And lots of it. Clots and tissue were coming out of me and the amount of blood filling my toilet was unbearable to even look at... but I knew exactly what was happening. I knew right then and there I lost my baby. I remember just look down and almost not being able to breath and like I was going to have a full on panic attack. Finally my breath came too and I let out a huge scream. My husband ran over opened the door and I remember him trying to hug me but I just wanted to be left alone, I slammed the door, I kicked our bathroom vanity, and I fell to the floor and I just felt in that moment like this will never happen for me. I finally got up off the floor, went to my husband and I sobbed uncontrollably for hours and hours. To the point where I had to stop and make sure he was okay. It wasn't just me who lost the baby, it was both of us. We spent the rest of the night in silence on the couch, and everytime I went to talk I just cried yet again. I think I actually fell asleep crying that night. But again, I knew I would eventually be okay, that we would be okay. We held and comforted one another. 
A few weeks went by and I went back to work finally. I was just sitting at home crying otherwise so I knew it was time to get back to the real world. 

It's now May of 2024 and we still aren't pregnant, we have been trying but nothing seems to be working. I've cut stress out of my life. Negative energy. I'm on a bunch of fertility medications, and I'm just praying that some day soon I can finally have a rainbow baby. 

I know I'm not alone. I have girlfriends who have struggled and are still struggling with infertility. I'm just praying and hopeful that all the women out there who have gone through this and are going through this can have the chance to be a mom. Infertility is something that is also rarely ever talked about and it should be more talked about because so many women in this world struggle with it!. There's also such a sadness to it also when your struggling with it because you want nothing more then to make your partner a father and when time keeps passing by and you still aren't pregnant you blame yourself and the reason for him not being a father. 

I'm also going to throw this out here, but STOP telling women who are struggling to just "relax", "quit thinking about it", "get drunk and have a fun night with your husband", "go on a holiday and have lots of sex", "put your legs up more", "take your time cause kids are alot of work", fucking comments. We don't need your comments. We need you to just say we're here for you. We will pray for you. And don't rub it in our faces that you can just get pregnant. These are our top pet peeves when struggling with infertility.

I know one day I will be a mom. And when that day comes I know my husband and I will be ready more then ever. Unfortunately the excitement is just no longer there. It's more of a fear now. And what if this happens, or what if that happens and will I be able to carry?. But I'm working on myself and I'm hoping to get past that so when the day does come i can go into it without fear and have a happy healthy pregnancy. 

This blog will continue, I will have updates on my journey, until then thank you for reading. And remember to those struggling, I sympathize with you and you are not alone. My love goes out to all the moms, the soon to be moms, the moms struggling, the moms who can't carry and so on. 💕🌈🫂